Ephesians 6:1-4

Ephesians 6:1-4 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” — which is the first commandment with a promise — “that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

1 John 3:1-2 How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.

1 Thessalonians 2:10-11 You are witnesses, and so is God, of how holy, righteous and blameless we were among you who believed. For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory.

Paul encourages the Ephesian children to be obedient. He reminds them that honoring their fathers and mothers brings benefits, such as a longer life. Of course, parents know unruly children place their lives in more danger than obedient ones. A child who constantly tests parental restraints often faces peril such as the child who runs the other direction when asked to come. A rebellious child experiences danger through experience, and experience can be a difficult and demanding teacher. Families usually face disharmony, chaos, and even painful events when children are out of control and without allegiance to God's plan for harmony and peace. So Paul encourages Christian children to honor the 5th Commandment for a better life: Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you. (Deuteronomy 5:16) Likewise he tells fathers: And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. (KJV)

Should children honor their parents out of sheer obedience and willpower or from hearts of love? How do we honor God? Mature believers will confirm their failure to love, serve, and obey God effectively through the law. According to the Bible, we are natural lawbreakers, prone to disobedience, sheep who go astray, demanding their own way. Understanding this axiom remains vital to raising children. A child as young as a year old indicates a strong desire to have his or her own way. Yet if you want to raise a rebellious child, just muscle and force that child to obey your will and to follow your commands. Paul understood this when he admonished fathers not to provoke their children to anger but to raise them up in the Lord.

You can make children afraid to disobey or sorry for their misdeeds through harsh discipline, manipulation, and fear; however, you cannot change a heart through outward means. Only God can transform the flesh by renewing the spirit and creating a desire to obey whether or not someone is watching and waiting to pronounce judgment. Yes, children require instruction and discipline: words of correction or a time out are often appropriate, but these actions seldom change a child's heart. Certainly long periods of rejection or confinement do not result in the peaceable fruits of righteousness. The high rate of recidivism in our prison system confirms the failure inherent in merely punishing and imprisoning lawbreakers. Outside of Christ, law provides the only means for a society to maintain order and to protect the citizenry, but it will not reform the nature and the will of sinful men. God punished the children of Israel many times; yet they would not turn their hearts totally toward him. They hardened their hearts like stone, unmoved by anything God did to them. The flesh is greater than the law.

Paul provides further insight into child raising for the Thessalonian church: we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God. . . Parents should support and instruct their children in love, through the power of the Holy Spirit, teaching through example by serving God with gladness and treating their children as they want to be treated, as God treats them. Children will want to obey and to serve God as they see faith and love in action through their parents. When parents are repeatedly frustrated, angry, out of control, negative, punitive, and obviously at their wits end, children will not see any reason to emulate them or to accept the God their parents supposedly serve. Children are smart, quick to see that their parents ask more of them than they can give themselves. They see the hypocrisy of parents who beat them for lying yet tell lies whenever it suits their purposes. They see the unfairness of the overly controlling mom or dad who forces them to clean their plates when the parent picks and chooses what or when to eat. Telling a child not to hit or fight while perpetually hitting or fighting yourself, makes your words empty. A strict regimen of crimes and punishments may bring order for a time but will not reap a harvest of the Spirit in your children's lives. Many a teen or young adult has forsaken their parents and their faith after living under harsh restrictions and failing to see God's love in action.

God showers his mercy and grace upon us as dearly loved children. When we are sorry, He forgives us and restores us. We do not have to pay the price for our sins because the price Jesus paid on the cross was enough. We have a gospel of transformation and resurrection power to make us overcomers. First and foremost we must lead our children to Christ, pray for them, encourage them, show them the way through example. Jesus served: He washed his disciples feet, not the other way around. Parents should cherish and serve their children, not do battle with them and alienate them. When youngsters see peace, joy, and stability in their moms and dads and experience the grace and mercy of God's unconditional love and support, they will commit their lives to God; they will honor their fathers and mothers. They will want their parents to live long and prosper. They will remember the faithfulness of their parents even when they themselves are old. How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!

(My wife Jacqueline and I have a handout on parenting that expands these ideas more fully. As we have taught parenting classes in the church and in the community, we have seen God transform families when parents began to love their children as God loves them instead of raising them under law as Jewish boys and girls without the saving power of the cross. Send me a message, if you would like to receive this material. God bless you!)